You can’t really get anywhere in life- even to the point of being a proper writer- if you are not assertive. You need to be learn how to be assertive, not allow yourself to be pushed this way and that. So. How can you be assertive? How can you stop being spineless?
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In order to be assertive, you will need to start thinking in terms of your own pleasure. Then, you need to learn how to speak in a way that will make people respect your will, and you will have to change your body language.
If you manage to do these things, you will become more assertive. It is said that you are what you do. If you want to stop being spineless, you need to stop what you are doing. However, if you want to be free, then you will need to learn how to do more productive things with your life.
Here are some 10 actionable steps you can take to learn just how to do that.
1. You Need To Start Thinking In Terms Of Your Own Pleasure
The first thing that you need to do to strengthen your back is to start valuing your own personal desire.
The problem with this is that you may not know what your true desires are.
It is not uncommon for spineless people to do things they do not want to do, then look back at those things, and realize only afterwards that they had not wanted to do that thing.
After a long time of being spineless, and never standing up for what you want, you begin to have defense mechanisms.
These defense mechanisms allow you to be able to do things that are against your desires without having to confront your own faults. Such a defense mechanism may be convincing yourself that you actually want to do what the other people ask you to do.
So then how can you discover what it is that you truly want?
The first step is to just do those things that bring you physical pleasure. Then, orientate your life around getting those things, and using those things.
For example, if you like watching movies, or eating, then set apart a time for you to eat, or watch a movie. When people come over to ask you to do something for them, reject them so that you can have time to do that thing that you want. Finish all your work so that you will be ready at the time you set aside. Then, when that time comes, enjoy your pleasure.
2. Narrow Down To What You Really Enjoy
The second step is to start narrowing down the things you enjoy to a set specific few collection, just 3 will be enough.
In the first step you will need to discover the things that make you happy the most so that you can have a sense of individuality, and a better understanding of who you are as a person.
In the first step you will have to experience as many pleasures as you can, just so you can learn what it is like to look for pleasures, and behave in a way that pleases you. You need to do that for a few days. But in the second step, you are going to have to start differentiating the pleasures are choosing ones that are specific to you.
This will be useful for you.
Firstly, you will start having an understand of who you are, and what you like. For example, I found I really enjoy going for walks in the green forest. This made me realize that I am a more out doors person than I imagined. This way, whenever I am asked to do something that is related to the outdoors, I know I want to do it. However, when I am asked to do computer things, I do not like it as much.
So, the action step here is to write down a list of things that you think you could enjoy; walking, exercising, eating, drawing, etc.
3. Learn To Recognize The Feeling Of Pleasure
The third step will be learning to recognize the feeling of pleasure, so that you can know instinctually when you want to do something, and when you do not want to do something.
The main point of the first 2 things is that you need to learn how to recognize things that you want to do, but eventually, you will have to recognize the feeling itself, and with enough of the first things, you will begin to recognize that feeling instantly.
This is the step we have been working towards from the beginning.
After doing the things that you love enough, you should then start focusing on the feelings you feel as you do the thing. Eventually, you will be able to recognize that feeling instantly. Whenever someone walks up to you, and asks for something, demands something, or does something, you will feeling in your hurt.
Either you will feel a sensation that agrees with that, or you will feel a sensation that is directly opposite to what you feel.
At this point, it is not important to learn saying no to people, or fighting people off. Instead, you just need to learn to recognize when you are doing something you do not want to do. When you are being overridden. You can then say to yourself, “I don’t want to do this”.
This is the first step, but other people already know when they are doing something they do not want to do, so for those the next step will be of use.
4. Do Repetitions That Help You Increase The Speed You Can Recognize These Things
The fourth step is to do exercises that improve your sense for what you want to do versus what you do not want to do.
Now, you need to focus on improving that ability of yours to recognize what you want to do, and what you do not want to do.
So how can you use this to make yourself less spineless? This can be done a number of ways, and if you can create your own way of doing it, then that would work to. It needs a number of characteristics to work though:
- The first is that it must have an immediate feed back. You must realize immediately whether you succeeded or failed in your exercise, instead of months.
- The second is that it must be adjustable in power. Meaning you can make it harder, and easier as easily as you want.
- The third is it must be portable. This means that you must be able to do it everywhere, whether the couch or on the bed.
So if you can create an exercise that adheres to this and can have sets, then you are good to go.
5. Learn Harsher Words
The fifth thing that you will have to do is learn how to have harsher words that you can use in your language.
The next part is to start changing your self vocally, so that it matches your new mental level.
At this point, you know on instinct when you are being made to do something you do not wish to do. In fact, you may even know what you would much rather do instead. However, you have not learned what to do about being made to do what you do not want to do.
You are going to have to speak.
Trust me, I know this is the worst. It feels a bit bad when you have to tell people you do not want to do what they ask. But you need to walk past this road to stop being spineless. Firstly, you may not like hurting people, and disappointing them. Secondly, you may not know what to do if this ends up escalating and the people get upset. They could yell, and humiliate you in public. So you just do what they ask, and move on.
A simple solution to that is learning the works that will help you with this situation.
You need to learn the structure of a proper rejection. This structure is Answer-Reason-Reassign-Reschedule. The first step is to give a clear answer to the request. This is either accept or reject the thing that you are going to say.
The Structure
Then, you give your reason for rejection. Studies have shown that people do not care about the reason, as long as there is a reason. One study had people standing on a line, and a person asked to be let in. They were rejected. But when another person came and asked to be let in because they wanted to print, they were allowed in.
That is in spite of the fact that they were all there to print. The point is that as long as there is a reason, people are more likely to be more receptive.
Next, reassign. Tell them where they can go instead of you to get teh same help, or even better. If they insist, and want your help, then you can finally reschedule. Give them another time that you can help them. That is if you want to help with this specific thing. if you never want to help, then do not reschedule, just go back to the reason why you can’t
E.g. “Can you help me study for these exams this friday” Your answer “Sorry, but I can’t” , Reason “I have to study for the exams myself”, Reassign “Try to go to the teacher for the answers”, Reschedule “If you can’t find the teacher, then you can come to me, and I will tell you who else you can go to”.
6. Practice Using These Words To Avoid Being Spineless
The sixth step of growing a spine is learning to use harsher words.
Sometimes you will find that this was not enough to change people’s minds.
These are extremely rare situations, but when they do come for you, it is better to just be prepared. So you need to begin your preparations. In order to do that, write down a list of all the swear words that you can think of in your mind. These are the best because they are your personal swear words.
Afterwards go to the mirror, and practice saying these words. When that is done, learn to use these words more often in your internal thought in your head.
Eventually, you will find that you slip in swear words in your everyday language.
When people notice that you are comfortable using swear words, they tend to be more frightened of dealing with you lest they become the target of your colorful language.
7. Improve Your Real Life Delivery Of The Words To Stop Being Spineless
The seventh step is to learn using these words so that they become congruent with you, so you may use them in everyday life.
This can be done just through repeating the words in everyday conversation.
Start using the f word as an adjective, and pronoun. Start using sh*t as a noun, and start using the b word as a compliment.
When you get used to this, and people are used to hearing this from you, they will be prepared for when your mood shifts, and you can just use these words.
8. Look Out For 2 Main Improvements In Your Speech
Then you will need to look out for how many times you use the words I want, and I think.
You need to see some concrete improvements in your life as time goes on, otherwise it was entirely pointless.
As time goes on, you need to keep a score of how you speak. Pay attention to how often you use the words I want, and I think, which will tell you just how quickly you are improving.
9. Give Yourself Time To Process
The ninth thing that you could do is to give yourself to process the things that you hear.
One of the main reasons people are spineless is because they are in such a hurry that they want to give eople whatever they want so that they can leave them alone.
You will need to practice giving yourself time to analyze, and listen to what people are saying.
When someone comes to speak to you, you should spend some time before responding. Make it a habit to wait 5 seconds before responding to a request. Start by counting to 2 before responding to any requests, then increase the count to 4 then finally 5. I am currently at 9, but if you can go further do not hesitate. When that is done, you will overcome being spineless.
10. Use These Maneuvers In The Proper Situations To End Spineless Behavior
The tenth step is to only use these things in the right case scenarios and not all the time.
If you spend every answer in a conversation waiting 10 seconds before you answer, that will be ridiculous.
They say strike while the iron is hot.
Listen to your heart, and see if you feel that sensation of pleasure gained or lost. Then, you will know you are being asked to do something. After that, you can then decide if you want to do what you have been asked to do, or if you do not want to do it.
This will assist you to stop being spineless.
11. Look For These Results To See How Far You’ve Gone From Spineless
The eleventh step is to observe how people react to you.
One of the worst parts of being a pushover is that everyone knows you are, so they take advantage of that. You can feel their perpetual disrespect. When you are no longer a push over, you will gain people’s respect.
Look for what the people as of you. Look at how they respect you. Then you will know that you are that much closer to mastering mastery.
